Well today I spent most of the day writing for the show, and then ended the day rather abruptly, with the show hanging in the balance for an uncertain future. One phone call, one misunderstanding was all it took to shed the light on a truth I've ignored for several months... that due to my crazy schedule and just my psychic lack of being able to complete any task in the past few months, that it is going to be increasingly harder for me to keep myself focused on this show, particularly when we get nearer to actually shooting the pilot, and we're still going in circles. So finally, I got the courage to take a great big step back from the project, not only to reassess what I'm doing, and to reassess this project (which has had some unknown things that have been bugging me), but perhaps even more, it has forced me to reassess what exactly I want.
I didn't arrive with any immediate answers, but if anything, I confronted a lot of things going on in my life at present that I do not want. A former colleague of mine once quipped that being in the film industry is an easy way to lose one's love of film. This is so true- I'm in the commercial industry, yet the sentiment is the same. I don't want to be turned into Mr. Videographer with these little gigs we're doing, and in general, I never wanted to be in the commercial industry- period. I only took the job because I needed the money... an oxymoron in itself.
This year, it seems that I have just been miserable in most everything. I have suspected that I may be going through some depression, or perhaps that my general passivity towards a lot of factors that have had a negative affect on me has now caught up to me. Whatever the case, in the event of this show, stepping back from it was probably the smartest and most courageous thing I could do. The project is not dead, but dormant. I've got a lot of money sunk into it, so far it be from me to kill the thing outright. But I simply cannot and will not work on this thing again until I am of the proper heart and mind.
Thus, over the next few weeks, or months, however long it takes, I want to unclutter my life of the things that have gotten me down. It's unfortunate that it took something like this, but afterwards, out on the deck, I felt liberated for the first time in ages. For once it felt like a path had been cleared, and even though the road ahead is uncertain, it feels good to know that the path is there at all.